It’s a hot Saturday night in Vegas and I am on my way to a bullsh*t cocktail reception -  the start of a 3-day conference with a thousand people I don’t know – small talk and trying not to be shy. Not the best attitude to start this adventure with…

The day started with an easy flight, a great hotel, lunch with friends, body surfing in the pool (gotta love Vegas), and then a thrilling downpour complete with thunder and lightening. It had been FUN and filled with unexpected cool stuff happening yet here I was dreading what was coming next.

A presenter for the evening had written a book about drinking wine to unleash your creativity. When I had seen this listed in the events I thought, “Great, I don’t drink so what are you saying? That I can’t be as creative?”

I’m really building my case for this to suck, huh?

But wait.

On my way to the party I stopped and asked what I wanted for myself. What was my intention for the evening and the conference?

Ready?

I wanted something new.

And then I remembered a prayer I had been taught ten years ago…

“Dear God/Universe, please help me set aside everything I know or think I know about  ______ so that I may have an open mind and a new experience.”

So for me?

I asked to set aside all my feelings about small talk, networking, shyness, being excluded from the wine portion of the evening and even the overall discomfort of the upcoming 3 days.

Whoa.

Just like that?? Really?

Yup. It can be that easy.

I wasn’t asking to be totally transformed and LOVE networking, small talk and cocktail parties. I was just asking for a little space to open up for me to have a new experience. And to not be stuck in “how it’s always been.”

This can be applied to anything…a relationship, a person, a problem or situation, a set of beliefs – but it’s MOST helpful if we have a preconceived notion about how our current reality is going to unfold – and we’re not liking it. 

And guess what happened?

I had a GREAT TIME! Not just that night, but for the whole conference. I met some incredible people, I heard some powerful and inspiring speakers and I learned some cool new tools for coaching and life.

In writing this, I’m surprised to see how the wine party inadvertently DID encourage me to tap into my creativity and connect with spirit. Who knew??

Another reminder to get ready for unexpected gifts when you change your perspective and invite a new experience.  Just set aside everything you think you know…

I’ll be right here and I’d love to hear about it…

Steve Jobs died yesterday.

This is the video and transcript of his 2005 commencement speech at Stanford.

I watched it last night and cried. It touched me deeply.

Here are two quotes:

“You’ve got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.”

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

I could not agree with him more.

Day to day, I sometimes forget – so thanks for the reminder.

And big picture?

I’ve found great work that I love. I did not settle and I knew it when I found it.

And great news?

What I love is to help people find what they love, to not settle and to have the courage to follow heart and intuition.

Thank you, Steve Jobs, for your spirit, your effort and your dreams. Your legacy lives on…

Here was the assignment from last week:

“Make a list – of things, experiences, feelings that you want to have – declare what you deserve. Think big and bold and sweet and simple – go for 100!”

Okay, so??

How many things did you get on your list?  If you didn’t do one and want to, go for it! We can wait…

Asking that question, I realized I hadn’t done this exercise in a while so I just did it. I got 100 things. It took about 10 minutes. Some repeats, some big goals and some simple sweet stuff. And wouldn’t you know, there were times when I had a mean little voice saying “Oh, really??? You deserve these things, huh? Who do you think you are?”

Whatever. I pushed through and kept writing.

Interesting how that voice shows up. I wrote about it last week, so no surprises there. The saboteur wants to limit what I invite into my life. Nice, huh?

Listen, if you made a list it doesn’t matter how many things you have on it – it matters that you started.

How does it feel??

What did you notice?

How easy or hard was it?

What surprised you?

What do you want more of?

Here is the next step – don’t skip this one – it’s where the magic is! 

Choose 10 of the items on your list and write them down as affirmations.

For example, if you have #67 as ‘a fun blog’ (ahem) – your affirmation would be:

“I allow myself to have a fun blog with ease.”

ALLOW yourself to invite those fabulous, gorgeous experiences, things, or ways of being WITH EASE. A more traditional affirmation might be, “I have a fun blog.”

*Shrug*

Doesn’t have the same juice or permission does it?

Put your list of 10 on a wall where you will see them everyday. And say them aloud at least once a day – twice if you’re feeling crazy. Do this for a month and see what happens…

There may need to be some action on your part to have these things manifest but consider this a great way to create some space for them in your life.

My contention and personal experience is that thoughts become things. So as my friends over at tut say, “Choose the good ones!”

Tell me about your list and share at least one of your affirmations in the comments!

Recently, I was working with a client*, who was looking to bust a move – she wants change. She has a job she loves, amazing family and friends and contributes to those around her in a big way. AND she wants more money, more abundance, and more freedom.

We started exploring what that would look like. She recalled a period when she had nothing. It was the happiest time of her life.

I could hear it in her voice – the purity of that time.

Then I got one of those intuitive hits – and something felt off – I wondered if there was some sort of disconnect – or subconscious denial of self of having this life of wealth and abundance. After all, if she was the happiest when she had nothing, would having ‘it all’ mean that she would be unhappy?

So we dug a little deeper. What was holding her back from this life she so wanted? We were quiet and waited and then she heard the voice…“You don’t deserve it.” She nearly gasped.

Wow. Whose voice is that? Da-da-da-dum…cue the scary music.

It’s hers. It’s mine. It’s yours. We all have it. That voice, the committee, the critic, the saboteur or the gremlin – the one that says you’re too this, not enough that and that you best not even bother ‘cause it ain’t never gonna happen. It’s the voice that keeps us stuck and stagnant even when we want to change. In fact it gets louder when we start making changes.

So that’s the bummer – because it can stop you dead in your tracks if you listen to it. AND it’s the great thing…because if you hear that noise you can bet you’re getting close to something that’s important. Check out my friend and kick ass coach Andrea Owen’s great post on identifying and managing the voice.

The exercise for my client? I gave her a challenge. In coaching parlance, this is a request for action designed to push a client beyond previously conceived limitations – it often elicits sweaty palms, lurching stomachs and nervous laughter. I asked her to make a list of 250 things that she deserved (I figured a list of 100 would be a great start…). Usually a client will balk at a challenge – and that’s expected – what they actually commit to is much bigger than they would have agreed to in the first place.

We discussed how this could jam the frequencies of the ‘I don’t deserve’ voice. The list could include everything and anything (money, love, laughter, a new car, fresh air, blue skies, swimming in the ocean, etc…) and could have repeats. The idea was to just go for it, start writing, don’t look back or censor and get into the energy of deserving.

Guess what this fabulous client did?

She said yes!

To all 250!!

No renegotiation.

This is a victory. She is ready for change and ready to change her thinking and expectations of what she deserves. Woo-hoo!!!

A week later she sent me a gorgeous list of items both simple and breath-taking that she is inviting into her life (I won’t disclose her details but change already happening in her world).

When the attitude shifts all things are possible.

Wanna try it? Make a list – of things, experiences, feelings that you want to have – declare what you deserve. Think big and bold and sweet and simple – go for 100! Put them on the wall where you can see them every day and see what happens. I’ll have a second part to this exercise to share next week.

(*Client has given me permission to share.)

Guest post by my Let’s-cut-the-BS Self:

I hereby grant Courtney Webster full permission to write whatever the hell she wants on this blog. I have heard her concerns about a distinct ‘voice’ with a consistent ‘theme’ or whatever other well-meaning suggestions/rules/BS she is hiding behind. Hasn’t she listened to herself?

Just. F**king. Write. It.

Listen, honey, the idea is to share what happens when you go for the life you love. A life that is bold and daring and courageous. Remember? A life beyond your wildest dreams? This is your life and your voice. Sure you are exposed but who cares? It’s just a blog!! And it’s part of this life experiment so whoever reads it gets to see what that looks like…so cut the BS and go for it! Stop taking yourself so seriously! Experiment! Have fun!! Write what you like! Share some cool stuff. Let’s see some songs and videos! Post your sweet heart out! See what happens…

Pep talk and ass-kicking over. I see my ride coming. Gotta go…

What permission do you want to grant yourself? Would love to hear about it!

Am I going to let my gang of gremlins keep me cowering in a beige corner or am I going to make some bold choices, paint some walls and get on with life?

It sounds very serious, doesn’t it?

After 23 years of almond and white walled apartment dwelling, I’m now a homeowner.

Before moving in I want it painted. I love the idea of color in every room AND I’m all twisted up about making disastrous choices.

My head is busy. There are a few conversations going on at once. Shall we listen in?

You have no design sense. How are YOU going to pick the right colors? You are choosing amateur colors. You are going to hate these colors… Will they flow from room to room?

What if people don’t like it? You’re going to be embarrassed that you didn’t know what you were doing! And everyone will know!

You’re not painting correct feng-shui colors!

These statements are followed by a lengthy discourse as to how true they are or aren’t. And though the debates have raged into the wee hours…I’m painting anyway.

Yes.

The yellow office might look like a “child’s room” as a designer friend helpfully pointed out this morning, and the white bead board is out of place as “this isn’t a Nantucket beach house,” (same friend) but WTF?!?!

Am I going to hem and haw and take on everyone’s opinion and second guess myself and be paralyzed? Or do I paint on?

I say, “PAINT THE F**K ON!!”

I’m writing about this because it’s been super uncomfortable and I don’t like the feeling but I do like the learning. It’s yet another instance of having to do some thing perfectly or not doing it at all – a major M.O. of mine (see the Nadia Comaneci curse) and it’s bullshit. We are talking about paint! I’m not hesitating to do brain-surgery because I don’t feel qualified.

I’m hesitating because I think I might look silly or get it ‘wrong’ and be judged – and truly, a large peach room is strong evidence – it can’t be hidden!

But here’s the thing. While I hate the idea of a peach room (this is actually a soft orange and it just makes my little boy’s room glow), who cares?? And who cares if anyone thinks it should be blue! I like it.

And hello? I can just paint over it if I end up wanting something different…

And here’s where my lesson comes in:

Don’t not start, wait and wonder and be sad about the potential never lived up to.

Just f**king do it. Make a decision, commit to an action and see what happens. Then, based on that outcome? Another decision and action! Real life learning. Based on my life experience. I don’t have to hold back, wait and wonder and ultimately, mourn the unrealized potential.

Who knows? It might be fabulous and exciting and better than I could have imagined!

Or I could fail spectacularly. And that just makes me laugh.

The paint and lesson are still wet but going out of my comfort zone with this paint job is pushing me to step out in some other areas.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

Edit: This was written in October of last year – and I’m happy to report that I’m loving the colors! AND I’ve committed to some other super bold choices – both in exterior paints and LIFE. -10/20/11 

Where are you holding back because you might not do it perfectly? What decision and action could you commit to that would get you closer to your goal? I’d love to hear…

It’s okay not to know. I didn’t always believe this.

I was tortured by not knowing what my ‘thing’ was. What I was here to do. Tortured is a strong word – so let’s call it a consistent, low-grade fever. I thought that since I was asking the question, an answer ought to be forthcoming.

Watching TV I would kick myself for never getting those head shots. I would watch ER and think maybe I should be a doctor or a nurse and when the credits would roll, I’d think I just wasn’t applying myself. I was working in TV production but I wasn’t an Executive or Senior anything!

If I went to a street fair I’d walk by the crafts and question if I was supposed to be making custom window boxes? Decoupaged light plate covers? Hanging beaded candle-holders?

It was exhausting.

I had two successful careers. To the outside world it looked like I was doing great. But there was something missing. I hadn’t felt like I could really go the distance in either of them because, truthfully, I didn’t care enough. And it made me uncomfortable. Was I being lazy? Not giving it my all in a puritan work ethic kind of way? The answer was always, “No.” So then what was the problem?

I bought the books. “I Could Do Anything If Only I Knew What Is Was” – “Live The Life You Love” – “What Color Is Your Parachute?”…you get the picture.

But I never read them.

I would start but it just felt too overwhelming. It nearly always involved index cards. I was supposed to start with something I felt passionate about but didn’t have the guts to go after. Or didn’t think going after was a viable option.

I was screwed.

I didn’t know what my passion was.

I was trying to get pregnant but starting to think that might not happen. So now even motherhood wasn’t going to get me off the hook.

And I was so tired of the question, “What do you love to do?” I didn’t know how to answer. It felt like the question I was asking myself went so much deeper than that. What was I wanting to connect to?

Yet another book was recommended.  “The Passion Test” 

One of the first exercises was to make a list of things that would be present when I was living my ideal life… Aha! I didn’t have to know what I was going to be doing in this ‘ideal life,’ just how I would feel and what my life would be like. I could do this!

So I made my list and it felt great. I didn’t have to know what my job was but I did know that I wanted to work with people I liked, laugh a lot and be well compensated. I was able to describe my ideal life in even deeper detail without know how I was going to get there! Freedom.

There was something magical about imagining and resonating and finally connecting with my ideal life.  I made my list, ranked them in order of importance, and forgot about it. I didn’t finish any other exercises.

Many answers have been revealed since then. I had a baby. And still I was searching for my thing.

It almost feels like an accident that I found my calling. A crazy set of coincidences and series of events the universe used to get my attention (details on that in a post soon…).

I’m not sure how it happened. But I do know that the questioning was an important part of the finding out. And the seeking and not knowing, while painful at times, was a crucial component of the answer.

What are you not knowing?

Move over perfectionista – there’s a new sheriff in town.

How many times have I not done something, not tried something new, not experimented because I didn’t think I’d do it well enough? More than I care to count.

Part of it is the Nadia Comenici curse…I remember watching her score perfect 10’s in the 1976 summer Olympics. For some reason it really struck me as they were going so crazy that someone so young (14) had accomplished the previously impossible score. So there I was, 10 years old, thinking that had I better get it together. I only had 4 more years to learn how to do something PERFECTLY.

It wasn’t conscious but it did influence me going forward.

I started guitar lessons when I was 13 but quit after 5 months. Because really? Was I going to be perfect at it by the end of the year?

There’s more but I can’t think of it right now. And that’s okay!!!

And I’ll tell you why.

I’ve been curious about starting a blog for reasons I’ll go into another time. Or maybe at in the post. I don’t know!

But – I’ve just started this “blog more, stress less” class and we have committed to write a post each week and post it for our classmates and leader to give us feedback.

Gulp

“But it’s my first one – if might be really sucky,” I thought to myself. And then had a quick egotistical fantasy of writing a brilliant, poignant, funny, insightful post. One so fabulous I’d be off the hook. I’d be perfect. So there. And I’d also have nothing to learn. Screech of needle across the vinyl…

Some how another voice cut in – and said, “If it’s perfect, you won’t get any constructive comments, won’t know how to make it better and true enough, won’t learn. And then you’ll be terrified the next time you post – ‘what if it’s not perfect and fabulous again?’ ‘what if they find out I’m a fraud?’

And so I just called bullshit on myself and realized that if I post a half-assed blog entry and get some feedback about how to make it better…I win!

I have to be willing to be bad to get good. Taking it one step further, being bad is good. And it took me off the hook.

So here is my maybe crappy post and I don’t care. I may not even post this one for the class, but goddammit, I wrote it.

Watch my dismount – my arms up in the V is definitely a 10!

Now watch me learn…